Being deceived by someone that we love can be the most traumatic event of our life. The following tips can help you to make it through the initial days after infidelity has been discovered.
1. Be sure you have your facts strait. Do not rely on second-hand information. This means it is only fact if you or someone you trust has seen solid evidence. Bottom line- don’t trust information that comes from people you don’t know. Do not trust information posted on social media sites unless you are quite sure it is legitimate. In the case of pictures be as sure as possible that they have not been manipulated in any way. Remember that anyone can post anything on social media.
2. Do not confront your partner immediately. Give yourself some time to process what you have learned regarding the unfaithfulness/infidelity. If you are at work, let your superior know that you have had a personal emergency an will need a day or two off. This is a good practice. Couples who try to stay at work after the discovery of an affair often end up sharing private information with co-workers. Once you let co-workers in to your private affairs it can be very difficult back out of it.
3. Go somewhere alone for at least a few hours where you can think. If you want to confide in someone for support, do so. But, be cautious. Family members or friends with close connections to your family are probably not good choices. Also, friends who have children that are close to your children can create issues if they discuss the affair in front of their children. They can be a quick conduit back to your children.
4. Limit advise-taking. Well meaning friends and family will often have much advice. Statements such as, “she doesn’t deserve you, you can do better” or ” he’s a low-life just dump him” are counter-productive to understanding the problem or repairing it. A good listener will do just that, listen and comfort only. Remember that even though advise-givers may love you, they DO not walk in your shoes. They do not go home to your life each day. You do.
5. After you have given yourself time to process what you do know about the infidelity. It is time to talk to your partner. When you speak with your partner regarding an affair it is best to give him/her the first opportunity to explain what has happened. Do not interrupt. Just listen. Do not make rash decisions. Determine if they would be willing to seek counseling. If so, make an appointment immediately. A skilled couple/marriage counselor can help you to navigate through the initial days after discovery of an affair.
6. In the initial days after discovery of an affair try to take care of your self. If you have children line-up sitters for a couple days. Upset stomach, nausea, shaking and crying and inability to rest are just a few of the symptoms that can be experienced. If symptoms are severe ask your pharmacist to recommend safe over-the -counter medications to help alleviate distressing symptoms.
If you or a loved one is facing any of the challenges discussed above Counseling Connection is here to help. We have been providing Marriage/Couple and Family counseling to the Shelby Area for over 10 years. Our counselors are seasoned professionals with over 20 years experience in the field.