Divorce is traumatic for children regardless of the circumstances. Many children are left feeling sad, confused and angry. Anxiety can create difficulties at home and at school as they struggle to understand what is happening. Below are two of four proactive steps that can be implemented by concerned parents in the weeks before divorce. These steps will help children to have a sense of control and continuity. To improve emotional and behavioral outcomes for children of divorce please contact our office. We are here to help.
Step 1 Transitioning
• Dialogue- Look for opportunities to open up new dialogue regarding single-parent families. Use visual aides such as movies and books to help in improving your child’s understanding of what life is like with different family dynamics. Do not introduce books on divorce. You are merely increasing awareness at this time. Books are limited to the final step of transitioning.
• Role Reversal – Get comfortable in one another’s roles and allow the children to do so as well. This means looking for opportunities to do activities or tasks that are generally done by the other.
Step 2 Transitioning
• Group Calendar- Create a Google Calendar and teach children how to use it. Children under five should have a printed out version weekly. They should be encouraged to enter important family days with the aid of a parent. These would eventually be dates that they want both parents present ( birthdays, school, church and sporting events.) Older children can do this directly on the Google Calendar by using their own iPad or notebook. Children should be encouraged to look and make needed entries to the family calendar daily.
• Family Meeting- Family meetings should consist of a period of time when the family sits around a table and covers relevant topics together.
This is a time when positive role-modeling by parents is essential. Topics covered should be brought forward by each member. Topics should be sequential and fixed. Typical topics can include but are not limited to:
School & Activity
Sharing challenges and successes about school and school activity including subject issues, teacher issues, school sports, outside activities, hobbies.
Socialization and Friends
Sharing about good and bad going on with friends
Home & Responsibility
Sharing about how things are going at home. Challenges and triumphs. Chores, allowance, goals.
* This weekly or bi-weekly forum will become your children’s lifeline. It need not be more than 30 minutes (less for younger children) together when things are busy. Eventually, it can be done while other partners in the house. However, they are not invited to sit at the table. It is a time when the children identify with their birth family. This does not discredit or devalue a new family system with a step-parent. It helps to solidify the child’s identity. It also clarifies roles. Step-parents are not parents they are helpers and adults-in-charge when parents aren’t there. But your child will never identify them as the birth-parent except in circumstances where the birth-parent is completely absent or deceased.
• Values and Team Building
Develop a list of important values with your children. These will eventually be posted in both homes. Be sure to define the meaning of team. Team- building exercises are great. I can provide a list of team-building activities if needed. Regardless of where you live, you will remain a team for life. Others may be added and become a part of your team but it takes a team working together to keep support strong and communication open and healthy for your children.